dating Jayne 1

Prologue:
Having been single for the past three years after having been with Voldemort for twenty has led to some interesting and amusing adventures. This whole “dating” thing sucks – really! Or, perhaps dating doesn’t suck – maybe I just suck at dating. Seriously! Strange things seem to happen when I go on a date. --Or am interested in a guy. --Or a guy is interested in me.
So here begins a short series on my dating disasters.

So…. I had been going through a dry spell. Okay – let’s call it what it really was: a drought!. Symptoms: Parched, dehydrated, hallucinating and rambling. Geez, if I’d have known that being single was so bad for my skin, I might have kept Voldemort
--but I digress.
Drought. Dehydrated. Rambling. And Dry. Very dry.

So my friend, D, in all her wisdom, fixes me up with a fella. “Oh, Jayne! He’s really cute! Blue eyes, brown hair, nice butt.” No mention of employment. No Profit and Loss Statement. No Financial statement.
Just “nice butt.”
Sad that my friends know how truly shallow I can be.
“Really, Jayne – I think you’ll like him. I’m going to give him your phone number.”
And so, a few nights later, my phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Is this Jayne?”
“That depends; who’s calling?”
“My name is A, I’m D’s friend.”
“Hello, A! How are you?”

and yada-yada-yada. We talked on the phone a few times – I was charming and witty (as usual), and procured a date. A face-to-face date. Geez, just the thought of a date sent me scurrying to the loo with I.B.S.
“D!’
“Hey Jayne! How are you?”
“Terrible! I’m meeting A tomorrow, and I think I’m gonna die from dehydration –“
“But the drought is over—“
“No, not from the drought! From I.B.S.! Every time I think about tomorrow I gotta shit!”
Hysterical laughter erupts from the phone piece…..
“D! I’m serious! What am I gonna do?”
“Doo!!?!? You gotta doo!?!?!?”

Deciding that D was of no help, I got off the phone and stewed about my upcoming date: which led to three trips to the restroom. Good thing I purchase paper products in bulk.

The topper of the evening is the phone call from D’s daughter and her boyfriend.
“Jayne. Mom says you’re nervous. Okay – here’s what you do: Meet him at the restaurant so you have your car. Go ahead and have a drink, ‘cause it will relax you. But don’t have more than two (boyfriend screams, “have three – be easy!”). Wear something blue, but not sleazy (boyfriend chimes, “sleazy works for me!”). And it’s okay to kiss him at the end of the evening (boyfriend adds, “slip him the tongue!”)”

Yup. I ran, not skipped, to my loo.

The following day, I was ready for my date with A at 4:30. Unfortunately, my date was not until 6:00. Hmmmm…perhaps a wee bit anxious, eh? Time and two trips to the loo later it was time to go.
It was easy to spot A at the restaurant – and yes, D was right: beautiful blue eyes, great hair, and omigawd what a nice butt…….
I don’t need to bore you (any further than I already have) with the date details. Suffice it to say that I was, again, charming and witty. After we ate dinner, we went across the street and had a drink. After the drink we strolled around and went and had coffee. I, and my colon, were both doing well. Around midnight he walked me back to my car.
“omigawdomigawdomigawd. Whatifhewantstokissme? WheredoIputmyhands?”

Yes, amazing how all the words blur together in your brain, eh? We’re walking across the parking lot, and he is holding my hand and telling me what a great time he had, and how he would like to see me again. At least, that’s what I think he said. There’s so much noise in my head, probably from that internal conversation, that it’s hard to hear him—
“So,” he says as we arrive at my car—
“omigawdomigawdomigawd. Whatifhewantstokissme? WheredoIputmy—“
“—Jayne, thanks for a really great evening,”

and he leans in closer
and I hold my breath
and he starts to wrap his arms around me
and I hold my breath

and suddenly we are bathed in light from above. No, not aliens. Just the friendly Fresno County Sheriff heliocopter. Looking for hooligans. Or perhaps Voldemort was following me…..who knows?
All I know is that the potential kiss became a hug. All engines on shut down. Houston, there is no problem, so Good Night!

…..and that’s why I’m not dating!

dating 2

So…I’d sprung a leak. Well…not me, my sprinklers. Err – the sprinklers in the yard. Seems I kept forgetting where some of ‘em were and I’d run over them with the tractor. Much better about it now – but I’ve gotten sidetracked –
Sprinklers broken. Saturday morning. So I decided to go to the hardware store to get sprinkler parts and then to the gym and workout (good girl). So I’m dressed in my workout clothes:
Those of you who don’t know me – please realize that I am a chubby girl. My workout clothes consist of yoga pants and a T-shirt. And a hair clip. I definitely do not look like some hottie in a thong leotard….
So – I’m standing in line at OSH with my parts, when I realize that the guy in front of me is staring at my chest. “Well! I never!” I’m fuming to myself. As I make eye contact and try to come up with something clever, he says, “That’s a funny shirt you’ve got there.”
“Huh?” I say silently. And then I realize that I’ve got my “Don’t make me call my flying monkeys” shirt on.
“Oh, thanks!” I reply sheepishly, retracting the deadly daggers that I mentally impaled in his crotch. “I’m kinda a Wizard of Oz fan.”
“I like that movie too!”
“Think of something!” my brain screams….
Seeing that he has garage door springs in his hand, I offer, “Gee – looks like you’re going to have fun.”
“Ha, ha,” he responds, “Err – I’ve never done them before. Have you?”
“Uh-huh. One of the times my Dad was very impressed with my Hulk like strength!” I laughingly retort.
“Perhaps you’d like to come help?”
“Oh no!” I slyly respond, “Can’t you see? I’ll be working on sprinklers all afternoon.”
“Aw, come on! I’ll make you lunch…”
“Yeah, yeah – I can see it now: not only will I be putting the springs on your garage, but I’ll have to make my own sandwich too!”
We both laugh as the clerk finishes ringing him up. He starts to leave, and turns and says, “It was nice talking to you.”
“Yeah – I’ll be thinking about you and your springs while I’m fixing my sprinklers”
“Ha, ha…..are you sure you have to fix those sprinklers?”
“Oh yeah – I’ll take the easy job, thankyouvery much!”
“Well,” he says, “again…it was nice talking to you.”
As he exits the store, the clerk is shaking her head. “Geez! Dontcha just hate it when guys can’t take ‘no’ for an answer?”
“Huh!?!?”
“That guy!” she says to me, “I’ve never seen a guy hit on someone so hard!”
“Scuse me? Hit? On me? Oh no, I don’t think he……was he hitting on me?”
She looks at me with a “areyousomestupidkindofdorkorwhat” expression.
“Ma’am. You’re kidding, right?”
As the red rises and spreads from my neck, to my cheeks, to my eyes, and my ears, I shake my head, thank her politely, and make a speedy exit….

I went to the hardware store weekly for a month….but alas, I never saw Mr. Garage-door Man again.

first kiss

Okay – I had a dream the other night. Great dream! All about – well, let’s just say that I woke up smiling. I’m working on a poem about the dream – may be done over the weekend. Maybe not.
But the dream got me thinking/reminiscing. Do you remember your first kiss? I don’t mean that first lips-brush-or-almost-touch kiss. I mean, your first-skyrockets-in-flight kiss. I do. I was almost fifteen –
--hey, I started late. Made up for lost time. What can I say?

--I was almost fifteen……Lincoln Nebraska…….Hot summer night……..Brother’s best friend……

Susan and Jayne were sitting on the front step, enjoying the rare cool evening breeze.
“He’s so hot!”
“Shhhhh, Susan! He’s gonna hear you”
“So! He is so-o-o-o fine! I think you oughta kiss him,” Susan challenged, “Comeon! Dontcha even think about kissing him?”
“Think about it!?!?!?” Jayne thought to herself, “It’s ALL I think about.”
“How long was he at St. Francis Hone for Boys? Was he there the whole time your brother was?”
“Yes! Now shut up! He’s coming!”
Mike came around the corner of the house, all badboy swagger, guitar in hand.
“Hey, little foxes! What’s kicking?”
“Oh nothing,” replied Susan as she stood, “But I’ve gotta jet! I haveta babysit the demons down the street! Later, toothless-gator!”
Jayne gave their standard reply, “Yeah! ‘be wise, bubble-eyes!”
Jayne suddenly realized that Mike was still standing over her. “What about you, little fox? You gonna run home too? Or you wanna hang with me?”
Jayne felt an unfamiliar warmth spread from her ears to her toes. The blush left her unsteady as she rose to his challenge, and with all the breath and bravado she could muster she retorted, “Home! Silly boy! I’m already home – don’t gotta run nowheres! Where you gonna hang?’
The last gleam of the setting sun bounced off his blonde hair, and planted itself firmly in his left green eye. With a nod of his head he leaned in and whispered, “Going up to the schoolyard.” He leaned in a bit closer. “ Gonna finish that song I sang you.” He leaned in even closer. “Wanna go?” His mustached lips grazed Jayne’s cheek, and Jayne felt the color rise again. “How ‘bout it, little fox? Think you can hang?”
For the first and possibly only time, the quick retort eluded Jayne. “Um-hmm,” was all she could say.

The schoolyard was dimly lit. The Motocross boys were over in corner – jumping the stairs. Jayne was vaguely aware that a basketball game going on. She felt the bark of the tree scratching her back. But all she could hear was Mike, guitar, and the end of his song. “-But this is all I have to give.”
“Geez, Mike. That’s a beautiful song. Who’s it for?”
“Her name was Amanda. But I don’t want to talk about her.” Mike set the guitar down and lazed out on the ground, gazing upward, propped up on his elbows. “You’ve got the most amazing eyes.” He scooted closer, placing his head in Jayne’s lap. “What color are your eyes, anyway?” He brushed Jayne’s stray hair back in place, but left his hand in her hair, pulling her face closer, as if to see, “I thought they were blue – but in this light they look green” and he pulled her face even closer—
Jayne felt as if her heart were going to leap from her chest. He smelled like the woods – overwhelming and intoxicating all at once. “Holy shit,” she thought. “I think he’s going to kiss me! He’ll be able to tell that I’ve never—“
“Ah, I see little fox! They’re blue and green. Such dangerous eyes for such a young little fox—“
And Jayne felt the brush of his mustache just to the left of her lower lip. Instinctively she turned towards the tickle, and found her lips entwined with Mikes. His tongue ever so gently caressed first her upper, then her lower lip, and then cautiously ventured in.
Jayne’s heart was racing. It seemed that every spot on her face touched by his tongue was atingle and aquiver. She grew brave, sending her tongue into his mouth, tasting him. She no longer heard the bikes or the basketball, she only heard her heart racing. She no longer felt the tree behind her or the ground beneath. In fact, she found her hands in his hair and on his chest, pulling him closer because she felt like she was floating, knocked off her feet.
“Whoa, little fox. Where’d you learn to kiss like that? Your brother’ll kick my ass, this goes any further…”
Slowly standing up, Mike offered a hand to Jayne, as she stumbled. “Looks like you’re a bit dizzy—“
Jayne found enough breath to muster, “Musta been the kiss.”


postscript: No, this is not the same Mike I was married to. But, if I count this one, it means that I've had five (count them, 5) Mikes. I cannot date another Mike. Although I really do like the name....obviously....I just can't.

dating dreams

Geez, what a nightmare!!! No, no, it wasn't the return of the Lady with the Flashlight Eyes, although that would have been easier. Hey! I know how to deal with her--
No, this was an all new nightmare. Kinda reminded me of those dreams I used to have in high school.....you know -- where you went to school naked.....and spent the whole dream trying to get to your locker.....or home.....'cause you're naked.......and no one seems to notice........that you're naked......and walking around school.....naked...

"I'm pretty sure that Guy will be at the coffee shop," Star reassures, "We'll just drive over there! Sorry that you've got to sit in the back seat -- but the front seat is still broken. Is your seat belt buckled?"
As I look down to check, I realize that I've got no clothes on.
"Shit!"
"What, APj?"
"We've got to go to my house--"
"You're kidding, right? You know how long it'd take--"
"-Star! I've got to put some clothes on! I'm nak--"
"Don't be silly, APj -- what you've got on is fine!"
"She doesn't realize I'm naked!" I think to myself. "Holy crap! What am I gonna do!?!?!? What can I cover my bodaci--"
"Come on, APj!" Star calls over her shoulder from the door of the coffee shop. "Quit dawdling!"
"Shit! We certainly got here fast!" I scan the sidewalk, and relief floods through my veins as I confirm that there are no bodies present on the sidewalk. "What's that?"I silently exclaim,"Is that a bandana?" Making a mad dash towards the fluttering pink square, I grab it as Star comes rushing out of the coffee shop.

"Hurry APj!"
Frantically trying to decide the best placement for the bandana
-- bodacious ta-tas covered?
-- cookie covered?
"Which one? Which one? cookie or ta-ta, cookie or ta-ta" I ask myself, as I madly sprint after Star towards her car.

"What's the rush, Star?"
"BoDiddily said that Guy went to the mall. Something about getting a new instrument -- not that there's anything wrong with his instrument -- wait till you see it! He's got the prettiest p--"
"Star, don't start on that again, " I interrupt as I climb back in the backseat, "I'll end up at the store, again! But seriously, do you think we could go by my house? I'd really like to put some pants--"
"APj! Do you wanna do Guy or not!?!?!? We gotta hurry! Besides, you look fine! I love that pink top you've got on."
"It's not a top, Star! It's a bandan--"
"Shit! I almost hit that car! Oops! We're here!"
Star bounds out of the car, loping towards the music store entrance. "I'll run ahead and see if he's here. Hurry up!"

Grateful for the tinted windows of Star's car, I watch and wait for the perfect time to make a mad dash for the mall entrance.
"What the heck are you doing?" I ask myself, hand on the car door handle.
"Trying to get a date!" I retort, turning said handle and sprinting (one hand covering my cookie) towards the mall.
"Stop!!!" Me yells.
"Why?"I begin to inquire -- but suddenly see Star and Guy's bosom buddy, Doll coming out of the mall. I manage to make it to a tall garbage can, which I quickly pose behind.

"APj!" greets Doll, "How are you?"
"Feeling a bit naked--"
"Don't be a silly goose!" Doll scolds. "That pink top looks great with your skintones--"
"Yada-yada, skintones," injects Star. "Doll! Tell her about Guy!"
"Oh yeah! Guy," answers Doll. "Guy is waiting for us at the pool. He's made Mojitos. or Margaritas. Shit, I can't remember! One of those "M" drinks...."

As Doll and Star head for the car, I spot a pair of aqua stilletos next to my garbage can. I scoop them up, scan the sidewalk, and fly to the car (bandana held over bodacious ta-tas with chin, check. right hand covering cookie, check. left hand hanging onto awesome aqua stilletos, check.), diving almost headfirst into the backseat.

Resting my foot on the divider between the front seats (fixed now!?!?!?), I buckle the ankle strap on the shoes. "Seriously," I start, "Do you think we could just stop and get me something to wear--"
"Awesome shoes!" gushes Doll.
"Yeah," Star chimes in, "You know she's got that shoe thing-"
"APj," cuts in Doll, "you look fine! With that pink top and those shoes, Guy doesn't stand--"
"But it's not a top! It's a bandan-"

::chirp:: ::chirp:: ::chirp::

"Shit!" I think to myself, "It must be the cops -- they must have seen me take the shoes. or running nake--"

::chirp:: ::chirp:: ::chirp::

I sit up, wide awake in my bed.

"Shit! Wait 'til Star hears this one!!!"

first stage kiss

A teacher/friend of mine is currently double understudy(ing) a local musical--which got a small group of us waxing nostalgic about our different "firsts" onstage. (Dirty rogues, offstage firsts are for a different post)

My first stage kiss was my sophmore year in high school. Somehow, I beat out all the senior theatre girls for the lead in "An Inspector Calls." I was so excited! My first real play -- and I got the lead! And the male lead was kinda cute -- Paul Somethingorother. Cute, and a bit strange -- but hey! aren't all theatre folk kinda strange and roguish?

I read through the script and discover -- egads! I've got to kiss this guy.
::and Jimi echoes, " 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!" ::
guitar whines :: dar-dar-dar dar-dar-dar... ::

deep breath....count to ten. Okay. Please remember, my only real kiss to date had been with that guitar-playing rogue who had dubbed me "Little Fox." Certainly that was not the kiss expected!?!?!? I called a friend who had done some theatre in the past:

Me: Kenny! I got the lead!
Kenny: Cool
Me: I gotta kiss some guy on the stage
Kenny: Cool
Me: I don't know how to do a stage kiss
Kenny: Not cool. Need help?
Me: Yeah. Can you come over and help me?
Kenny: Cool.

okay, yeah-yeah-- THAT one I KNEW was hitting on me -- I wasn't quite so naive then.

So Kenny came over and we -- ahem -- rehearsed. alot. It took a number of tries, but he said I finally had it right. So off I went to school -- for the real rehearsal.

I'm doing my scene -- hitting my marks and lines, and just basically being fanfrickingtastic (I was much more confident then too) and "THE KISS" is coming up:
Paul has just proposed and offered me a gigantic ring. Mummy and Daddy are beaming proudly. Tears come to my eyes as I wrap my arms around Paul and move in for 'THE KISS"

--and am engulfed in the putrid smell of sauerkraut.

"Omigawd!" I frantically thought to myself, "Did I fart? Did he fart? Where is that smell com--"
"Darling," Paul says,
--and it is immediately clear that no one farted. Something or possibly someone has died in Paul's mouth.

"Sweetheart," I respond, pulling away and to the left. Reeling, I somehow find the courage and fortitude to finish the scene.

"Okay!" enthuses the director, "That was pretty good -- especially for the first run-through of that scene. Paul, you need to pull Jayne in close....blah-blah-blah, yada-yada.....

--oh and Jayne? You were a bit quick on the kiss. Try holding for 15 seconds."

I did the play. It was amazing. I was more than terrific. I held that fricking kiss with the Manwhoswalloweddeadshit for 15 seconds.